Dear John: Remaining A Couple Will Require A Third Person

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

John Simpson, GoLocalWorcester Advice Columnist

What's your problem? Write to John at [email protected].

Dear John,

My girlfriend of several years and I broke up about six months ago. She and I had a fantastic relationship, but her work forced her to temporarily relocate abroad, and the trials of an inter-continental relationship just proved to be too much for us - we all but stopped communicating, and the little we did talk was mostly arguing. When she came back this past February, we continued to see a lot of each other because we share a friend group and live in the same area. About three weeks ago, she and I had a long discussion in which we both revealed that we still loved each other but shouldn't be together, and we agreed that it was better if we interposed more space between ourselves in order to ease the process of moving on. We both, it seems, were not particularly pleased with that arrangement, though, and jointly decided about a week ago to give getting back together a shot: for the past week, we spent a lot of time together doing couple-y things, both emotional and physical, and everything seemed peachy.

Yesterday, a mutual friend of ours informed me, however, that during this past week, she'd been continuing to sleep with a man she'd been casually seeing for the past several weeks! I asked her about it and made clear how upset that made me. She became immediately defensive, justifying herself by saying that we were not formally in a relationship yet and that she needed time to gradually end things with this other guy, and had no concern for how her behavior made me feel. Her reasons are a bit suspect to me; we were about as couple-y as two people could be, revitalizing an old relationship, and it seems to me as if ending a meaningless fling shouldn't take more than a text message. Was I wrong in so quickly breaking it off? And, if she approaches me about making amends, how should I react - with forgiveness and second chances, or by sticking to my guns?

Sincerely,
Feeling Betrayed

Dear Feeling Betrayed,

It doesn’t sound to me like you quickly broke anything off – one way or another, it seems like this has been dragging on for the past six months or so.

The two of you should do one of two things: break up once and for all, which means staying out of each other’s way and not having any contact until you’ve truly moved on, emotionally speaking. Or get back together with the help of a couples therapist. What you’re doing now – kind of resuming your relationship but leaving it ambiguous enough that nearly any interpretation is justifiable – is only going to extend an already very lengthy and painful process of splitting up.

You can’t break up with someone you have feelings for and still see her when you go out with friends. That’s like trying to quit drinking without emptying out your liquor cabinet. It tends not to work. But if you get back together, what’s going to be different after the initial excitement wears off? You argued a lot and didn’t communicate particularly well when you were together before. Why would this time be any different? It wouldn’t. You’ll need professional help to examine those patterns.

If she does approach you about getting back together, I can’t tell you which of these paths to choose. But I can tell you they’re the only two that will lead any place you want to go.

Dear John,

My ex broke up with me almost five months ago because he couldn’t handle the fact that we argued occasionally. Since then we’ve gotten back together on an off about four times and it kills me each time. I hate being the type of girl that let’s this boy back into my life, but I’m still not over him and we were best friends before we dated, so being apart is too hard. He knows I don’t want to get back with him for occasional flings and he claims he doesn’t want to hurt me but he’s resorted to flat out ignoring me and not coming out with groups of friends anymore unless he has decided he wants to get back with me for one night. What can I do? I don’t want to cut him out of my life because he was a part of it for so long but I can’t deal emotionally with his constant rejection and trashy treatment of me. I’m normally not this type of girl. I’m becoming someone I hate, and I’m lost on advice.

Sincerely,
Becoming Ugly

Dear Becoming Ugly,

I know you used to be friends, I know you care about this guy, and I know it’s very, very painful to accept that a relationship that was once so positive and fulfilling is finished – it’s human nature to think that what we had once, we can have again if only we try hard enough. But your relationship with him is over, and it’s not coming back. In an attempt to avoid the pain of accepting this, you’re experiencing the worse pain of doing something you know is wrong and is not the “real” you.

Breaking up with a guy with whom you share a whole social circle is difficult (beyond the emotions involved) because you keep running into each other. The wound is continuously reopened. So you have to work very hard to keep yourself out of these situations. Let your friends know you have to avoid get-togethers where he might be present, and make sure they know you’re not suggesting he be excluded from anything; it’s just that if he’s going to be there, you can’t be…for a while at least. Ask them to be supportive as you grapple with this.

Believe me, I know well how painful it will be. You’re grieving the loss of something that meant so much to you. But there’s no shortcut or way around it. If you simply try to avoid feeling it, whether through getting back together for a night, drinking or partying, or doing any of the other things people do to numb themselves, bad things happen. You have to feel the pain for it to go away.

Dear John,

I’ve been married for 26 years. My husband and I have a stable marriage and get along fairly well. We have three children and our two oldest are living out of the house. Our youngest child will be leaving for college in the fall. I have loved being a mom and in some ways that role allowed me to ignore some dissatisfying aspects of my marriage. Over the years I have kept myself very busy with the children’s activities. I am very social and really enjoy being with other people. My husband is not social and his preference is just to stay home when he has free time. Some of my friends remark that I am lucky and they complain about being “golf widows”. If I want to have friends over for dinner, my husband is less than enthusiastic. When I want to get together with other couples for activities, it’s obvious that he does not want to participate. He eventually rallies and we have the dinner party or we participate in the social activity, but because I know it’s not what he wants to be doing, I don’t have as much fun as I could have. There are so many things that I attend by myself because I know that he would not be interested. With the kids just about grown, my activities with them have decreased and I am looking to my husband to share in activities and he just wants to be home. We finally have both the free time and the finances to enjoy ourselves and he is not interested in taking advantage of the opportunities that we have. I’ve tried to talk to him about how important it is to me to be engaged in some social activities and he basically remarks that he cannot change who he is and he encourages me to go out with friends. Not only am I worried about a lonely and boring future but I feel somewhat rejected.

Signed,
Stuck In The Nest

Dear Stuck,

Once their children are grown, a lot of couples find themselves looking at each other across the breakfast table thinking, “What now?” If your husband is even a little receptive to trying something new with you, then that’s a start. But if he flatly refuses to consider it – if he hides behind a lame rationale like he can’t change who he is – then you have a decision to make.

The first thing I think you should encourage him to do is see a physician for a complete medical exam if he hasn’t done so in a while. From your brief description, it sounds like there’s at least a chance he could be suffering from depression or another treatable condition.

Once that’s ruled out, you and he should search for some activity or interest the two of you can share. And this could be literally anything, as long as you can experience it together. Do you both want to learn French? Buy recumbent bikes? Volunteer somewhere? If the two of you can come up with one thing to explore together, that’s all you need.

If that’s not possible, though, and he insists he is who he is and he’s too old to change, you have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life with a man who’s so stubborn, selfish, and bored (not to mention boring). As you say, you’ve entered a time in which you can do almost anything you want. To spend it feeling rejected and lonely seems like a shame. Realistically, you will probably always have to do some things with friends instead of your husband. But it’s not fair to expect you to do everything with them. If that’s the case, you have a roommate, not a husband.

John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].