Newport Manners & Etiquette: Same-Sex Etiquette for the Holidays

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Unless the dress code is "Holiday Ugly Sweater" stick to "Cocktail Attire."

From a bad mannered dad who gambled away his kids' Christmas present money, to same-sex married couples figuring out the new etiquette, as well as what to wear when you don't have "Cocktail Attire." All questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Dad Gambled Away Santa's Presents

Dear Didi,

My husband lost our Christmas present money gambling. He said he was just going to play a few slot machines, but he got hooked into losing all our money for presents at the tables. This isn't the first time this has happened. Do you think I can ask his mom and dad to loan or give me money to buy our children (their grandchildren) Christmas presents, or would that be impolite? My parents would be horrified, so I can't ask them for help. A.T., Pawtucket

Dear A.T.,

What's not polite, nor smart, is your husband using his children's Christmas present money for his own amusement. Families—and especially in-laws—can be tricky. Since this isn't the first time your husband recklessly squandered money gambling, he should go to his parents to discuss his problem—but only after figuring out his options for getting longterm gambling addiction treatment. If he convinces them he's ready to stop gambling, maybe out of the goodness of their hearts they'll loan or give you money to buy your children gifts. But remember, he won't be able to go back to them again with the same sad story. Before he asks them, he needs to have a viable plan for coping with his gambling addiction. ~Didi

Holiday Etiquette for Same-Sex Marriage

Dear Didi,

My same-sex partner and I have been together for over twenty years and were finally able to wed last month (on 11/12/13 at 10:00 AM). As secure as we are in our relationship, we're unsure as to how to spread our good news to our wide circle of friends. We can't host a reception because we know too many people and inevitably someone would be left out. How can we get the word out? Since we've been together for so long we don't need anything for the house. However, we want to be treated on invitations as a married couple. You invite one of us to your holiday party, you get both of us. It's awkward calling someone up to RSVP, who only invited me, to ask if my husband can come. And yet, I can't just bring him along without asking the host, can I? B.M., Providence

Dear B.M.,

As soon as possible, send out an email blast or a paperlesspost.com message that is 'an announcement' of your recent marriage. Some companies will send you additional paper announcements to stamp and mail to those whose email addresses you don't have. Be sure you send one to all those who have sent you holiday event invites and e-evites. You'll have a positive response from those who text or call to congratulate you. As your partner should now be treated as your husband, you can safely assume that when you RSVP for two, it won't be a big deal. When in doubt, text or call to tell the host the good news and that you would like to bring your husband. Should someone ask where you're registered, and they will, register online immediately at your fav non-profit, whose name and address can be included on your 'announcement.' ~Didi

Taking It Down A Notch When the Holiday Invitation Says "Cocktail Attire"

Dear Didi

My husband and I have been invited to a Holiday Party at the home of social acquaintances. The party is at 6:30pm for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, not a dinner party. The dress code is "Cocktail Attire"

Here is the problem, we are retired now and no longer own the proper cocktail attire. Ten years ago when in business that was a different story. Since then, we have downsized and taken on a very casual lifestyle. Should I decline on the basis of not owning the proper dress or accept and wear casual slacks and a shirt? Thank you. M.S., Narragansett

Dear M.S.,

Don't you dare regret a Holiday party because your clothing isn't dressy enough. "Cocktail Attire" is not so much about the dressiness of the clothing as the quality of the outfit. By specifying the dress code "Cocktail Attire" on the invitation the hosts are hoping men will wear jackets. Also, it says more about what they don't want you to wear: jeans, shorts, baseball caps, sandals, sneakers, cargo pants, t-shirts, sweatshirts and sweat pants; in other words no gym clothes. If your husband doesn't wear a collared shirt with a tie any longer, how about a turtleneck with a jacket and nice trousers. You can wear your best fitting slacks and a pretty blouse or sweater; that's not too casual. A little festiveness is fine, but dress conservatively tone on tone; for instance your cardigan sweater would be a shade lighter or darker than your slacks. When you're feeling insecure about your clothing, forget about attention-grabbing bright colors or, say, a Christmas sweater or pin—although everyone smiles at the prerequisite Christmas tie. ~Didi

New wife doesn't have to attend husband's former girlfriend's funeral

Dear Didi

My 2nd husband and i have been married 4 years. His ex-girlfriend's daughter married his nephew. The ex-girlfriend's mother just passed away and the funeral is next week. They did not have a good break-up, and, no, it was not me who broke them up.

I told my husband that he should attend the funeral, but that it wasn't my place as the new wife to attend, as this is their moment and I don't need to be seen there.

Am I wrong? B.B., Location withheld

Dear B.B.,

Neither of you have to go to the funeral. It is hypocritical to attend the funeral of someone you didn't really know or even like. So why go? You certainly don't have to attend your husband's nephew's wife's grandmother's funeral, unless you want to. If your husband goes in support of his nephew's wife that's one thing, but you're absolutely right: you don't need to be seen there. You don't want be a part of the drama. ~Didi

Do you have a question for Didi? Email it to [email protected] or visit her at NewportManners.com. We can withhold your name and location. Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book,"Newport Etiquette." Previous weekly GoLocalWorcester.com columns can be found by typing in Didi Lorillard in the above lefthand search.

Newport Manners & Etiquette: Same-Sex Etiquette for the Holidays

Dad Gambled Away Santa's Presents

Holiday Etiquette for Same-Sex Marriage

Taking It Down A Notch When the Holiday Invitation Says "Cocktail Attire"

New wife doesn't have to attend husband's former girlfriend's funeral

Related Slideshow: 30 Ways To Give In Central Mass This Holiday Season

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